this is 48
a reflection on life stages, how we can hold tight to depression with our words, and why I’m so excited for 50 and beyond!
Hello you,
Do you find that age-numbers come with their own, somewhat unpredictable, vibe?
47 felt distinctly mid-forties and, honestly, a little adrift.
48 feels much nearer to fifty… and if you wonder how I’m feeling about 50, I can’t wait!
During my late 20’s I sensed a similar shift.
My early-to-mid-20’s were hard going.
I struggled to settle into a job, I bust my knee, got an untrainable dog (yes I know, they’re all trainable; it was me that was the problem…) and got lost in a lot of debt thanks to my first, similarly untrainable, husband.
It was no surprise, looking back, that depression side-swiped me, took over and kept hold for most of those years.
It started with my knee.
Helping my folks build a rockery at their new house, I went to shift a ridiculously heavy boulder and felt something shift in my knee instead. There followed a lot of limping, a lot less being active, and a lengthy fight with physio’s and eventually surgeons to get it ‘fixed’. Oh, and an invisible but nonetheless very real slide into the gloom.
I went to the doctor because I couldn’t sleep. He asked me questions that made no sense - questions I now recognise as the standard diagnostics. It’s fair to say I was shocked to walk out with a diagnosis of depression and a prescription I was terrified of using.
I didn’t know much about depression, only what I’d picked up from conversations at work; from what I could tell it kept you in bed, stopped you working, made you lazy. The only treatment on offer was addictive and useless antidepressants.
Back then, there was still a huge stigma attached to ‘having depression’, so at first I didn’t tell anyone about my failure to be ‘ok’.
Instead I reluctantly started taking the tablets and after a while felt a bit better different. Not great mind you, but not low either. Then I realised that if I missed a couple of tablets (like if I went to mums for the weekend and left the packet at home) I would go off the deep end, feeling panicky, hysterical, out of control. I was trapped then, secretly and shamefully, in a flat state of barely ok-ness.
The slightly suspended fog kept me from being upset about things like mounting debt and my lack of progression at work, which was quite nice in a way, but also stopped me from doing anything about it… another secret of depression is how it pulls you towards victimhood. I felt it in me and I heard it around me in others who struggled with depression.
It’s not my fault.
It’s alright for you, you’ve not got depression.
You need to make everything ok for me because I can’t (won’t).
It was seductive. Why take responsibility if I didn’t have to? There was nothing I could do to change, people would just have to make allowances for me.
After a while I started to tell anyone and everyone that I “had”1 depression, partly to help normalise mental unhealth, but partly because it seemed to be a great excuse for any less-than-great behaviour I might throw out.
And there was a lot. I look back and see someone who was defensive and resentful. I also see how much those years affected my confidence - allowing myself to be rescued, not stepping up, keeping myself small and bitter; a sure path to deep self-doubt.
Things started to shift as I approached 30.
By 27 I found myself regularly saying “I can’t wait to be 30” with some deep knowingness that my 30’s was where I belonged. It had felt like hard work getting to here, I’d made so many mistakes, in work, in love and on that damn rockery too. It all felt messy and I was adrift…
At 28 I suddenly knew I wanted a family. For as long as I could remember I “didn’t want children” - something my husband and I had agreed on - so it was a shock for us both that I woke up one morning feeling the exact opposite.
Just after my 29th birthday my son arrived and I’d reconfigured my relationship with my mental health. After a brief break from the tablets (pregnancy gave me a natural high) PND got me back on them2, but my new confidence as a mum made it all gentler and I felt settled. I also felt fiercer, setting new boundaries for me and this new, crazy-important little guy in my life.
And at 30, while my friends were drowning their sorrows at the end of their joyful 20’s, I was the only one genuinely celebrating the start of what felt like a whole new, and much more peaceful, phase of my life.
I didn’t know it then, but I know now why everything shifted at 30.
One of the big AHA moments unpacking my design was learning about my profile lines3. Profile lines are how we show up in the world, what people see in us and what the world needs from us too. Like with everything in human design we’re often conditioned to be different to the way we’re designed. So it can be a big sigh of relief to know who you are, instead of trying to be someone else.
My profile is 4/6. The line 6 part of that is on the ‘body’ side of my chart; it’s subconscious, innate. The line 6 is about becoming an authentic role model, over time.
It’s the only profile line that comes with three distinct life stages.
1️⃣ The first is from birth to around 30 and is all about making mistakes, getting things wrong and bumping up against life. During this phase it’s just like the line 3 which has a life-long theme of learning through experience. If you know children (or anyone pre-30!) with the line 6 (or 3) please tell them…
“you’re winning or learning, there is no failure!
So go ahead, be messy, the world needs you to figure things out, you’re doing what you’re here to do and you’re safe doing it”
2️⃣ From around 30 to 50-ish, the line 6 is in retreat, some call it being ‘on the roof’ - up and away from the world for a time. Settling, finding life partners, creating family. Taking the learnings from their pre-30 adventures and integrating it all. Learning more, studying, preparing. Resting.
No wonder I couldn’t wait to reach that haven!
3️⃣ And then from 50 onwards the third phase; being the role model. Coming down off the roof and just being. Being authentic and available. Being called on to share all that life-learning and wisdom.
Why 30-ish and 50-ish? These are your first Saturn return and your Chiron return respectively, the points where those planets return to where they were at your birth. Saturn is about learning the lessons you’re here to learn, Chiron is about healing lifelong wounds; the lessons and wounds can be found in your chart (I can help with that) though often they’re obvious enough already. The shifts tend to take 3-4 years, peaking at the return date.
And here I am at 48, feeling the pull into that third phase, feeling ready, excited, intrigued. Feeling the shift as my work expands, finding my space in the world and allowing others to seek out the wisdom in me that I’m no longer denying is there. My line 6 feels like the ultimate invitation to step into whatever comes next, knowing all I have to do is simply be me. It feels like a gift 💚
Thinking & journalling prompts:
💫 What life stages have you noticed? did you see them coming? how did it feel to shift from one to another?
💫 What do you wish you’d known as you were growing up? what do you tell your children that you wish you’d heard?
💫 Or, if you know your profile lines, how do you see them show up? could you lean in even further and own their gifts?
Do share your experience or thoughts in the chat, or by pressing reply to this email; it’s always a joy to continue the conversation with you.
I’m sending love 🩵
Sarah xx
PS. a few pix from my birthday week in my soul home Devon, sea swimming, paddle boarding, lots of great food, a new tattoo and my gorgeous boys.
Photo by Karen @
- join the With Passion & Purpose Photo Club here - locations across the UK. Tattoos by Emily .
Hey, I’m Sarah and my mission is empowering women to be confident in their uniqueness, by making human design simple and accessible.
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Having trained in NLP (neuro linguistic programming) here’s what I know now about language patterns; when we say we “have” something we are clinging tight to the ownership of it as if it were a real and physical thing.
Or if we say that we “are” something (eg I am depressed) it becomes our core identity, who we actually are, in the same way we might say “I am a mum / woman / coach / etc”.
Either of which makes it so much harder to let go.
Instead we might try something like… “I’m doing depression just now” “I’m doing a cold for a couple of days” … which turns it into a passing phase, not a forever-ownership or identity. Yes, it sounds weird, but do try it out… what’s the worst that could happen?
I was in my mid 30’s when I finally got off the antidepressants, for the most unexpected of reasons, thanks to a doctor who guided me off them safely after 10 years, and then through the weird aftermath where I rediscovered my emotions - but that’s a story for another day.
Happy birthday beautiful soul! I’m right there with you on this thinking, as 50 looms for me in March next year. Whilst the challenges of life don’t stop, finding more of myself and my people as I get older is so exciting. Thank you also for mentioning the Club in here, I adored you being there, always do. Off now to see if I have that 6 line….i suspect I do! X
Happy happy birthday lovely! 4/6 here and 41 this year and genuinely also feel like I am excited to grow into my 50s for the same reasons! When I found out about my 6 line it all made so much sense! Xx