on looking for safety up a ladder

spoiler: it’s not up there, it’s down here

“One of the things that beckons us up the career ladder is status. It’s not simply a power trip, it’s an evolutionary trait that makes us see high status as a place of safety”

KATY LOFTUS

on

Emma Gannon

’s The Hyphen

I hear it, I’ve been on the ladder, chasing status and hoping I’d find safety.

It wasn’t there; instead I found it in the most unexpected place.

Photo by Courtney Hall on Unsplash

Most of my 9-5 career was in a not-quite-corporate, rather a fast growing entrepreneurial business that attracted ex-corporates. And me. A uni-dropout with no specific skill set, an aversion to authority and a willingness to try anything (ahh, that’ll be the line 6, pre-30¹).

While the business was still small I fitted perfectly. I was the girl-friday who took on every role, from marketing to designing stock-control spreadsheets, from customer service to buying loo-roll. But as the company grew I became increasingly out of my depth. I didn’t know how to keep up with the fancy, specifically-qualified people who rolled in and pushed for faster growth, hierarchy, status.

I tried to keep up, really I did, in my own way. I continued to make myself indispensable by taking on whatever was asked of me, never realising that was a great way to stay at the bottom of the ladder. And when no one gave me a leg up that ladder I sulked and complained and lashed out like something wounded. That was also not an effective way to climb the rungs.

I couldn’t tell you now what I really wanted back then; what did I think the upper rungs of the ladder would really bring me?

• More money? This was a double-edged motivation… my ex got through money like it was water; we could always use more to pay off his debts. Except no matter what I earned he’d spend it… so wanting a raise was pointless (because I wouldn’t get it) and getting a raise was pointless (I wouldn’t see any of it, even if I did by some miracle get it) - did I get some unresourceful money beliefs from this? For sure.

• Recognition? Why not… with no self-belief and a massive chip on my shoulder, I could have used that.

• Safety though? Belonging? Oh yes please. *breathes out*

That was exactly what I’d been craving.

I didn’t know it at the time, but between feeling ‘behind’ at work and out of control at home, my nervous system was shot to pieces. Back then though I’d never even heard of a nervous system, I just felt like “ok, this is the way my life is, a less than ideal marriage, a bottom rung job and no hope of changing either” No, I hadn’t heard of self-empowerment either. And because it all just felt a bit inevitable and stuck, I didn’t talk to anyone about it, except to grumble occasionally. I was self-medicating with wine and I don’t need to tell you how effective that isn’t. When I stopped sleeping the doctors gave me antidepressants. You don’t need me to tell you that they didn’t fix anything at all, just covered it all up for a few years.

But although I didn’t know, my body knew. It just knew that I needed to feel safe and it felt as though work could be the place to find it, if only I could just get a bit higher up that ladder.

It was so wrong. I wouldn’t find safety there.

Fast forward a few more years and I was still in the same place, maybe a couple of rungs further up. Progress was slow, because I was still being me, still sulking and complaining and taking no responsibility for my own growth. There were good times of course, along the way, but I still wasn’t where I needed to be, to feel safe and grounded. How did others find it? Was it real or was everyone else pretending, putting on a front?

It took me another few years to figure it out. I started, of course, with creating my own business, putting myself at the very top of the ladder. Ha! Look at me shortcutting the system and finding my safety! Wait, what… oh… No matter how much time I spent listening to experts telling me how to market it better, network better or charge more, I didn’t find the feeling I wanted there.

Which really only left the option of peeling back the layers of me, doing the coaching, the therapy and the shadow work… healing my nervous system, learning to eat properly² & drink responsibly and getting to grips with how I’m designed. In other words, figuring out who I really was.

Here’s where safety isn’t…

• in other people

• in a wine bottle

• in a prescription

• in a job

• in a book

• on Netflix

• up a damn ladder…

Here’s where safety IS…

• it’s in me. And it’s in you.

True safety is something we can only find inside ourselves.

It’s made of deep self-trust. Of backing ourselves completely and absolutely.

It’s made of knowing who we are; the shadowy depths, the annoying habits and the joyful gifts. Knowing she goes through ups and downs and every single emotion in between.

And it’s made of loving that person unconditionally, even when she says the wrong thing, or forgets an appointment, or shouts at the dog. Even if she’s lazy on a Sunday morning, eats far too many chocolates at Christmas and has that one extra glass of wine she really doesn’t need. Even if her business isn’t thriving and the ladder is a dim and distant memory.

That’s where safety is.

It takes work, and it’s not a one-off job either, but it’s so worth it.

Maybe you’ve started this journey, maybe you’ve walked it already. I’d love to hear your thoughts, on where you feel safe, and how you got to know yourself, but I know that’s a lot to share here. So instead I’ll ask you to take it to your journal, make it realer than it was before you started reading, this journey of knowing and trusting yourself, finding that safety within.

And if you want to find out how I could support you on that journey, through coaching, human design, or an incredible blend of both, I know you’ll reach out and ask me. I’m right here, trusting you. You’ve got this.

Sending love

Sarah xx

1. In Human Design the line 6 is the only three-part profile line: 0-30 is trial & error, c30-50 is retreat & integrate, c50+ is sharing all the learned wisdom. Profile lines are like the themes of your life, and you can find yours on your chart; the numbers come from your personality sun & design sun (your brightest energies) just after the dots. Mine is 4/6.

2. I recommend talking to Helen at HJ Nutrition if you need some of this action