“I thought being an introvert was a bad thing”

on the magic of sharing, being yourself entirely and what an introvert actually is (spoiler: it’s a good thing)

It’s a Thursday morning and the sun is out; I’ve had to pull the curtain across in my office so I can see the faces on my screen. I’ve got water, herbal tea and my headphones are charged. I’m ready.

But actually I wasn’t ready for how impactful this call was going to be.

We check in; how’s things? What energy are you bringing today? As always it’s mixed, everything welcome. We celebrate, moan, commiserate and, suitably unpacked, we’re ready for our session.

Thursday routine is when I get to share my zoom room with a group of leaders in the charity sector. They’ve come together to form a peer group. A place where they get to offload, share ideas, feel less alone. They also learn how to coach each other to solve problems, instead of the thing most of us do, jump in with un-asked-for solutions. That’s why I get to be part of the group, for a while at least; I show them how to do all of that, and I hang out for a few sessions before heading out to set another new group going (I mean, how cool is that?! I just love it)

In today’s session, the group is hearing Julie’s problem, and then coaching & supporting her as she finds her own answers. She explains the problem to us:

“I’m an introvert and not very natural around people, I feel like an imposter. It’s a real issue now I’m the CEO, I have to network and give presentations… it’s making me stressed.”

And how she’d like it to work out:

“How can I be more extroverted?”

WOAH! Hold it right there. No.

I very, very rarely jump in with something that isn’t a coaching question in this group. We can offer advice, at the end, and we empathise because, we’re human. Otherwise only thinking-questions are allowed.

But no, this has landed right in the middle of my specialist subject; self belief for introverts. So no, sorry, we’re not starting out with “how can I suppress an amazing part of me and be someone else¹?”

I want to cry and rant and storm the place down whenever I hear a beautiful gentle human say they want to be someone else. Yes we live in a culture that’s celebrated extroversion for decades, but that doesn’t mean it’s better! It’s just louder, faster, more obvious… I mean, sure, go ahead and try it on for a while. But if it’s not natural for you, you’ll be exhausted and unhappy. So please, after that, come back and BE YOU!

And breathe…

[side note: I almost put a paywall here because, well, it takes a lot of time and thought to pull these letters together and I know how valuable they are. But this one is too important not to share with everyone so I changed my mind. If you do want to support me and / or enjoy all my content, you can check out all the benefits of subscribing just here - ok let’s get back to Julie’s challenge]

Instead of all that I went in gently…

“I want you to know some stuff before we start the coaching here…

• 80% of people have imposter syndrome at some point [everyone in the room puts their hand up, yes they’re in the 80%, just like me and probably you too]

• Introverts aren’t shy or quiet people. Being an introvert means you need to be alone to recharge. Extroverts need people to recharge. Introverts are likely to think slower and deeper, and may not be so quick to leap into a situation.

• Introverts also make great leaders, often more so than extroverts, here’s why…

  • Introverts are more empathetic and aware of others, so often understand people better, building deep connections & a more empowered team

  • Introverts are often highly creative, Susan Cain, author of Quiet, puts this down to us being more comfortable with solitude. This also means we’re strong at problem solving

  • Introverts are more reflective. Whilst this leads to us being very aware of our weaknesses, it also helps us see where we need to improve… and for sure we can write a long list sometimes!

Ok, so now we can all agree that ‘being an introvert’ isn’t a barrier to being a great CEO, shall we get back to your challenge? Speaking of which, can we let go of “how can I be someone else?” because that’s not the real question. The real question is “how can I feel more confident in my role?”

“Oh, I always thought being an introvert was a bad thing” Julie is brighter already “yes ok I’m ready”

We do the lovely coaching bit, she does some amazing thinking and has some great aha moments along the way. We come to the part everyone has been waiting for; gifts of advice, support or connection. It’s only natural, we just wanna help and fix! Here’s some of the gold that the group offered… maybe you can use it too?

• It’s really natural to be nervous before speaking up, it shows you care.

• Recognise that your people-time will be tiring so plan in some alone time to recharge afterwards, for balance

• Share the presentation workload with your team member who’s ‘a natural’ and learn from her too; you don’t have to be the best at everything just because you’re the boss

• Cherry pick the networks you go to, pick the ones that work for you, your energy and your organisation, you don’t have to do them all

• Tell your team that you don’t always feel confident, it’s very strong to be a vulnerable leader, and it’ll help them open up too

And to round it off, everyone in the group ‘admits’ to being an introvert - Julie is astounded “but you all look so confident!”

I realise I might not have been clear enough…

INTROVERTS CAN BE CONFIDENT

Not only that…

EXTROVERTS CAN BE FULL OF SELF DOUBT (and often are)

And also…

INTROVERTS CAN BE LOUD, FUNNY, LIFE & SOUL KIND OF PEOPLE

EXTROVERTS CAN BE QUIET, RETIRING KIND OF PEOPLE

Yes I’m shouting! There is just no correlation between all those words, none have more or less value that the others, and I really want everyone, all of you, and especially the introverts, to be kind to yourselves please.

• Look for the wonderful things about you.

• Don’t try to be someone else (if nothing else you never really know what they’re feeling inside)

• Challenge the generalisations in your head, and in others.

  • All some introverts are quiet and self-doubty.

  • All some extroverts are confident.

  • I’m always nervous feeling better about public speaking.

As we draw to a close I ask the group, as always: “how are you feeling as we wrap up our call?”

“…empowered, it’s been so helpful and inspiring to hear I’m not the only one who feels like this…” “reassured…” “…very grateful for Julie sharing this topic, this is about me too…” “I noticed the advice I was giving today was actually for me…”

Phew! There is always magic in the sharing ✨ so please, share your vulnerabilities… you’ll almost always inspire someone else and you’ll both feel more connected. Most of us aren’t as confident as we look on the outside, and most of us are way more capable than we often feel. You’re never alone².

Maybe after all that reading, it’s time for a little writing… ready for some thinking nudges?

✨ what negative labels do you use about yourself?

✨ how could you reframe the labels to be a gift?

Please do share in the comments, or by reply if we’re in your inbox, if that feels good.

With love

Sarah xx

1. I have nothing against extroverts, I even live with one, mostly very happily! I just don’t think they’re better. And actually most of us are on a spectrum of introversion to extroversion, it’s not binary.

2. There’s a good chance you’re often on your own, obvs #introvert - but you are never alone.