"you're an introvert, my love"

what I wish someone had told 16-year-old-me

I was one of the ‘quiet ones’ at school, and if you were too, this one’s for you.

This week I had a wonderful conversation with a friend, about the whole ‘being quiet at school’ thing. We both were, it turns out, labelled as ‘shy’ and encouraged to speak up by a school system that champions the louder kids, so we were asked to be like them and ‘contribute to the class’ or be less-than somehow*.

As if our quiet contributions didn’t count; wasn’t it enough that we were keeping an empathetic eye out for the other kids, getting all our work done well and on time, and being absolutely no trouble at all for the teacher?

Then, as we chatted further, realised that we had not in fact been shy, we’d just been a bit thoughtful about who we talked in front of, and that we recognised now a whole layer of confidence in those young girls that we’d been.

By the time I was 16 I was an uncomfortable mixture of quietly uncertain about who I was and a bit gobby; I’d learned to love shocking people so they’d look twice at the mousy quiet girl they assumed me to be, because I knew deep down I was more than that. What I never imagined I had for one moment, was confidence.

The uncertainty was obvious though; I didn’t quite fit in, I was geeky, not especially sociable, and never once described as the life and soul of any gathering… how could I ever associate with confidence? That was for the cool kids surely?

I was really happy on my own, reading, walking the dogs, listening to music (mostly Prince and Pink Floyd if you want to know). But it was weird and anti-social to be on your own too much, right? And so, after school I kept busy with friends, boyfriends, or ballet class… by 18 I was out at noisy pubs and clubs with people I didn’t really like in an effort to fit in; it was uncomfortable, exhausting, and yes I would have been happier at home with a book… except… booorrrinnng!

I didn’t know back then that I was an introvert, and I’m kind of I’m glad I didn’t.

Because too often the word ‘introvert’ is used to describe someone who is awkward, who keeps quiet and is lacking in confidence; it’s used as a negative, a criticism and, like at school, “I wonder if we can get you to be more extroverted, that would be better wouldn’t it?” Even where the words introvert and extrovert aren’t explicitly used, the sentiment often remains as teachers, bosses etc describe the behaviours they value, and don’t.

All of which meant, I couldn’t possibly ever be one of the confident ones, full stop.

Of course, it’s easiest to label what we see which is why we so often get it wrong, because extroverts can be quiet and lacking in confidence (I know a few of those, they can find it very hard to admit they need a boost, so do put your arm around any that you know won’t you?) and introverts can be loud, with rock-solid self-belief (that’s definitely me, depending on the day!)

Intro- and extro-version can not ever be assumed from someone’s volume, or from their (perceived) confidence. And neither of those can be used to assume the other, for that matter. Shout it loud people! Or whisper it softly…

Here’s what I wish someone had told me when I was at school:

“you’re an introvert my love, it’s a positive and powerful thing to be. It means you cherish your time alone, this is when you recharge your batteries, even if you enjoy being around people, and no matter how loud or quiet you are. And by the way here are some of your superpowers…

• Creativity: that alone time gives you space to listen to yourself, uncovering the creative ideas inside you that will change the world… just remember to let those ideas out; I promise you, you are worth listening to.

• Leadership: yes, really… you might not feel like the obvious choice to lead as you’ll often see the extroverts take this role, but your reflective thinking and great listening skills are actually just what teams need, as you take notice of what they say, think and feel, giving space for their best thinking and problem solving - I promise you, it is safe for you to be a leader.

• Empathy, sensitivity, noticing stuff: all of this makes you the best kind of friend, helping you build quality relationships, because, and here’s a very big promise… the number of friends / connections you have on social media in the future is never going to be a measure of your worth to the world.

Listen to yourself, find your right people, and whatever else you do, don’t waste time wishing you were anything other; embrace the wonderful introvert you are.”

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*It’s too easy to see now how that message takes brilliant & confident quiet kids and turns them into less-confident quiet grown ups… so if you know any quiet kids (big or little), please don’t call them shy and please don’t ask them to be someone they’re not, just love them for being themselves 🙏 here’s a really helpful post from tiny buddha which might help :)