💠this time last year…
(this one was a letter too*)
I’m reflecting back on this time last year.
Turns out I was having a secret burnout, so secret that I had no idea it was happening. It’s the kind of burnout they call ‘functional’ because you can keep going on the outside, it’s just that the inside is worn out, your nervous system in tatters and with no reserves left to draw on.
Because I was doing all the things and I was trying very hard.
Only, trying is a word I’m on alert for with clients, because I know for sure that trying is a meaningless word, it's a subconscious excuse to not do the thing you're talking about.
So this time last year, I was trying hard, and I was exhausted. I wasn't working much because my energy was all wrong and I wasn't attracting clients. I tried new thing after new thing but nothing stuck.
That’s not quite true, there were some beautiful oasis’s (oases?) of fabulousness last summer thanks to my friend Liz who co-created some dreamy day retreats with me; a brilliant learning about the joy of collaboration & shared energy!
With hindsight, it’s no wonder that I caught myself a virus at just the right time; I’m pretty sure it turned up to stop me in my tracks and force me to take time out.
I did nothing. For days, then weeks. It was wonderful.
Sure, I coughed, and I grumbled and I did not sleep well.
But I loved it.
I read witchy books, I obsessed about Human Design and I rested. That was it; bliss.
After a month or so of recovery I was ready to get back to it, yay!
Returning to some semblance of work, I promised myself I wouldn’t get back into the same patterns but it didn’t take long to find I was feeling that feeling again… I recognise it quickly now, it’s like a high-voltage charge running through me, and not in a good way. Add into the mix my hormones making some for-real shifts this time after a few years of will-they, won’t-they… and I was floored again.
Because, in the end, far from being ‘it’, that time off last August was just the start, because nothing had really changed. And something needed to.
To support me in those changes, I turned to two brilliant women in my world:
​Helen is a genius at all things nutritional and hormonal. She helped me see that my digestive system needed a lot of healing & coached me through some significant habit changes, including all but removing alcohol (that’s been a biggie!)
And Trish, who supports mums in her work, beautifully helped me to decode my Human Design chart, because I knew there was something pretty important in here for me and despite all my reading, I still needed a human to make sense of it as a whole. This helped me to use my energy in the right way and also figure out what was right for me (not what I thought should be right for me!)
Here’s what I’ve changed in the last year…
I’ve stopped thinking I’ll eat better when I’m a grown up, and actually now eat vegetables instead of just buying them.
My alcohol intake is down by an embarrassing % and I’ve no idea how I used to drink as much as I did. Yes, I feel tons better… I’ve also cut out gluten and dairy to support my thyroid, maybe long term, maybe not, I’m hoping to find out soon.
I’m indulging in therapy at last. I say indulging because it feels sooo good to untangle the past, re-view it with adult eyes instead of looking forever through the eyes of our younger selves. It’s amazing. And also bloody hard. I recommend it to everybody.
I’ve done a ton of money-mindset work and shifted my ego out of the way. Which means I’m pretty much off socials, I’m doing a lot more pro-bono work and I’m investing more time being a trustee here which is very rewarding.
And I’ve stopped trying to pretend I’m not an all-out multi-passionate. I was trying too hard to make everything fit tidily into a niche, and feeling weirdly embarrassed about learning so many new things, when in fact I love having lots of variety in my work. So I’m proudly bringing Human Design into my work, you could see that coming, right? It slots beautifully in with everything else plus it makes so happy… because it’s the ultimate permission slip to be you! Sessions are £49 for the time being. There’s more details here or email me back with questions or to book. Ironically as a result of this, things are starting to feel like they fit better together, possibly even into a niche (shh, don’t tell anyone!) which would sound a bit like ‘helping women confidently navigate midlife identity shifts’ or hopefully something less coach-y and more, you know, me.
The underlying changes in me have been gradual, as changes often are. Plus studying to be a NLP Master Practitioner and getting a puppy in that year didn’t exactly help matters (although both have been very healing since!) It’s not until you look back that you realise just how much has evolved, including you… but I‘m getting there, and genuinely loads better, as well as very grateful for that nudge / wake up call that something(s) had to change.
Why am I telling you all this?
Because often is the set-backs that lead to real growth, even if it’s via a longer route than you at first imagine. And taking time to reflect and celebrate big and small changes is so important, even if it feels a bit indulgent (hence The Gathering Circle, more on that later in the week)
And because we’re all very good at being fine on the outside. Especially as women. Making like everything is great, we’re holding it all together like a boss, plus we get to yoga three times a week… and we can tell the world that’s what we’re doing, on socials and in our networks & friendship groups, which only means that, often, we just end up comparing someone else’s fabulous outside with our exhausted inside.
Don’t get me wrong, there’ve been plenty of good times in the last year for me, great connections, rewarding work and fun times with the pup… plus I’m incredibly grateful for the challenges that have led to growth… I guess what I want to say is that whatever snapshots or even whole chapters you see of someone else’s life, it’s only ever part of a pretty long story!
Enough of my rambling; here are a few prompts to get you thinking...
✨ Can you notice where you’re not quite being true to yourself?
✨ What does it feel like in your body when you’re covering up your feelings? And where can you find some ease?
✨ How do you want things to be instead, and what does that feel like in your body?
And two invitations…
💫
Human Design Unpacks £49
60 mins + bespoke PDF
​Read more & book here →​
✨
The Gathering Circle £10
Sunday 13th Aug online 4-5:30pm
Phew! Thank you for reading right to the end. Your reward is my favourite picture from this week: my beautiful cat Leif and my outrageously scruffy Summer, not quite best friends but a million miles from the hostile days of December!
Please do comment if anything resonated today, I love it when the conversation continues!
*sometimes I share the same letters by newsletter and by Substack
