the secret to creating confidence

and being ok when it goes away again, which it will (sorry)

Feb 14, 2024

All I ever wanted was to feel confident.

Because when I felt confident I could go get that job I really wanted, the exciting one in marketing instead of the boring one in admin. I could set proper boundaries with my spend-aholic ex-husband (or even better, leave him). I could spend less time dithering and more time doing the fun things I saw other people doing.

I did uncertainty brilliantly. And people pleasing; “what do you want me to do?” Confidence remained elusive. Sometimes I would hurl myself right at it, only to slide past into cockiness, falling on my face as my ‘witty’ comments came out hurtful or my arrogant ‘facts’ turned out to be glaringly inaccurate, landing me right back at my starting point. Small, unsure, waiting.

I hoped that something would magically change, that someone would fix me and I could go create the life that only confidence could unlock.

woman hands up in front of green meadows

It turns out though, that confidence isn’t found where we think we need it.

Confidence comes after.

Design flaw? Maybe.

It’s courage that comes first.

Courage that gets me through the hard times, the scary moments.

It’s a subtle energy, perhaps you don’t recognise it in yourself, but it’s there, for the right things. And it gets easier. For me, in the early days of this journey, I often needed to dig deep to find my courage, and sometimes I needed to hold it very tight while I made that phone call, set those boundaries or stood up in front of a roomful of people to talk about my business.

And slowly, so slowly that I couldn’t feel it happening, all of those small moments become something more; a deep core of self-belief.

Self-belief is an inner knowing that, no matter what comes your way, you can handle it.

And do I believe in myself now? That I can handle anything?

Hell yes! Always.

My journey with self-belief informs all my work now with my clients. Everything I do is in service of supporting that deep foundational work and the self-belief we all deserve. It’s my passion and the one thing I can’t & won’t give up, even on the days when running a business feels too much, too hard, too heavy. It’s too important… you’re too important.

But wait, wasn’t I talking about confidence? Isn’t it the same thing?

Well no.

You see, once we’ve done the work of creating this belief in ourselves, the trust that we can deal with anything, that’s when we start to find confidence settling on top of that solid foundation.

Confidence is situational, and it can be knocked sideways or vanish altogether.

Self-belief underpins everything and is rock solid.

So I can believe deeply in myself and still get my confidence knocked… here’s what does it for me…

Selling workshops* - there is something about the vulnerability of selling that makes me want to curl up and vanish. As soon as I set a workshop date, I go quiet; maybe you’ve noticed. It usually goes like this… I pop up with a “hey, I’m doing this workshop!” email / social post - no one responds - I withdraw. It’s not safe, don’t put yourself out there, no one is listening, what if you have to cancel, what will people think?
The slump after a high - some weeks are just brilliant! New clients, buzzy networking and high energy! Surely that’s all great for my confidence? Yes… but the week after when there’s nothing new coming in and the energy feels flatter… oof. What if this is how it’s going to be going forward? What if nothing good ever happens in my business again again?
Friends moving on - this has been a big one for me the last few years especially and feels vulnerable to share. We all know that people come and go from our lives - they’re here for a reason, a season or a lifetime, we’re told - so it shouldn’t ever surprise me when good friends drift away. But it does, and it hurts. What did I do wrong? Is it safe for me to try again and make new friends? When can I trust them to stick around?

You’ll notice that the common theme here is the questions that come up.

What if….? Is it safe…? What did I do….?

Here’s where that core of self-belief holds me steady as I work my way through the wobbles; journalling, talking to myself or writing letters from future-me are my go-to methods.

A snapshot of my working-it-through looks like this… It’s safe to invite people to workshops - they LOVE their time with me - if no one books it doesn’t mean anything about me - I’m still a valuable human - quiet weeks are a natural part of the cycle - a high follows every low and vice versa - I’m still an effective coach - I did nothing wrong - people come and go - I’m still a wonderful friend.

I’m safe. I’m always safe. And I know I can handle anything that comes my way.

Also, you are safe. You are always safe. And you can handle anything that comes your way.

My rock solid self-belief is a result of working with a coach myself and then studying techniques that focus on untangling self-doubt & imposter syndrome, including the way that Human Design brings the deepest self-trust I have ever known.

I’ve been a self-belief coach for almost 5 years now, supporting women to build that rock-solid foundation, and weaving in Human Design to fast-track changes for clients. If you would like to work with me this year as you create the self-belief you deserve, please do reach out for a no-strings chat.

Do hit reply or post a comment if this resonates with you, I’d love to chat further about my favourite topic with you!

Sending love & courage ✨

Sarah xx

#01: what is human design anyway?

Sarah Lynas

October 17, 2023

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Productive Happiness

This resonated with me so much! My word of the year is inner strength, that goes with your self-belief concept, that I can move through anything that comes my way. But boy does it require courage! You framed it so beautifully!

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