on taking the hint…

and realising, that yes, it really is up to me

Sep 19, 2023

Hey! I’m trying out a new thing and reading my letters to you… please leave me a comment or reply to let me know what you think.

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One thing I’ve learned very quickly about the tarot (and oracle too) is that the deck usually knows what you need, even if you don’t.

And I get this card all the time*.

I don’t keep a spreadsheet of what cards I pull, I kind of wish I did. Partly because I seriously love a good spreadsheet (they tell stories too) but mostly because I think it would be fascinating to see that top 10, see if it changes over time, and see what never comes up too (because there are cards I’ve still never seen).

This card, the 4 of Cups, is a message to focus on what I do have, not what I don’t. It can signal distraction and apathy. It’s a reminder to rejoice in the one full cup bursting with rainbow light, not be fed up about the three empty cups, waiting pointlessly for them to fill whilst I’m down in that gloomy space. A nudge to be grateful for what I have, not jealous of what I don’t, and to go in search of what lights me up, deliberately seeking out creativity and passion to lift me up.

Yesterday I was at a networking meeting and sat next to a lovely lady called Anne. We got chatting and she was sharing with me about a friend of hers who she finds it difficult to spend time with “She’s always talking about the past and how rubbish everything is for her; it’s really hard to be around that energy, she drains me”

I got it completely. Yes, I’ve known people like that but also, I’ve been that person.

The person who, at 23, was labelled with depression, told it wasn’t my fault, it was “a chemical imbalance and here’s some tablets you’ll find it difficult to stop taking. Tablets which actually depress your emotions and leave you feeling just flat, probably for years. You’re welcome.”

What had actually happened was I’d injured my knee and was suddenly less active, sleeping less well and a bit low. What I didn’t have was depression (and a lack of connection; that’s a subject for another day)

But what went on to happen was I got lower and lower, relying on some tablets that were making me flat, losing my confidence and blaming everyone around me for everything. And that was what got additive; feeling like I didn’t have to take responsibility for anything. Which meant that I wasn’t always a lot of fun to be around, complaining and bitterness became my natural state; everyone else had everything they wanted and I didn’t, and it wasn’t my fault. (hello, 4 of cups)

I look back now with a lot of compassion for that younger me. I can understand why she wanted to stay in that depression, in that victim mindset. I even understand why she sometimes sneaks right up to me now and whispers in my ear “it’s not your fault you know, it’s not fair, you should complain and make someone fix it for you” because sometimes I’m tempted to join her back there. Oh the bliss of everything being someone else’s fault! (is that the 4 of cups I see?)

You might wonder, what changed?

I got a few inklings over the years. One was when I introduced ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ into the organisation where I worked. I was the HR lead at the time and I knew, logically, that it was a great training programme that would benefit us massively. I hoped it would fix me too, but flashing through the training materials made me no different, in fact I got spitting mad when I read the part about taking responsibility for everything that happens to you. WHAT?! No way. That wasn’t what I wanted fixing! Other people should be nice / kind / generous / forgiving first, and then, well maybe I’ll be nicer then. (where was the 4 of cups when I needed it?)

I’m cringing as I look back.

It was only when I started studying coaching and specifically NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) that I really got it. We talked at great length on the course about how we can choose to live at the effect of everything around us (which is what I was doing), or accept that we cause everything around us… I could see the second option would be ideal, empowered, powerful even…

So wait… wow ok, so I really do have to change first, if I want my external world to change?

As within, so without.

Suddenly that makes sense for the first time. I get it now. I get it, but it feels really hard… but ok, yes, I’ll do it, I’m all in, because it’s got to be better than keeping hold of this weight of bitterness.

As I shifted my mindset from blame-y depressed victim to something altogether lighter and empowered, it really struck me how much of an impact my old mindset had had on my self-belief. Which was at rock-bottom, especially at work. I’d literally given away all the power to other people by blaming them. People who did good stuff for me (made sure I got a pay rise when I wouldn’t ask), people who did bad stuff that upset me (pointed out what I wasn’t doing well and how my attitude wasn’t great) and those who did nothing and didn’t even notice me…

I’d made myself small and full of self-doubt, and for the first time in many years, I saw that it was, in fact, of my own doing. Ouch!

I realised that I could no longer blame the doctor for lazily prescribing a fix-all drug that he’s financially incentivised to hand over - it was me that didn’t research and chose to take it.

I could no longer blame my boss for not just handing me the great promotion I wanted - it was me that didn’t take the scary leap out of my comfort zone, or even ask for support in developing my own career.

I could no longer blame anyone for my lack of self-belief - it was me that stopped believing and started acting small.

Wow.

There followed, as you can imagine, lots of inner work and growth on my part, not entirely linear, but I learned to be forgiving of myself on the journey. And before long I could see how amazing it is to have the experience I’ve had, because I get to help others, from a place of real understanding; because yes, I’ve stood there too, I get it. I can guide you back to here. I’m hugely grateful for that.

So the 4 of cups is my reminder to notice when I’m slipping back into blaming others, not taking responsibility and not appreciating what I have. It’s a nudge to stop blaming and whining, open my heart and choose wisely where to put my passion and my focus (and if you were here last week you’ll remember me talking about ‘what you focus on you get more of’)

*And I don’t, of course, get this card all the time, but when it does show up it’s often twice in a row. This time around it came just as some of my autumn group work got cancelled and I was thinking about feeling sorry for myself… ahh hello 4 of cups, I see you, and yes, I have so very much to be grateful for… and I think a sunshine-y dog walk in the meadow is just the thing to reset me ;)

If you’re welcoming the 4 of Cups today as your nudge, maybe you’d like to join me in playing with some journaling prompts…

🌟 Where are you outsourcing blame?

🌟 When you fully accept responsibility, how does it feel?

🌟 When you feel passionate and / or focused, how does it feel? And if you’re not feeling that now, what steps can you take to find passion and / or focus in your life?

I love to continue the conversation… join me in the comments?

on taking the hint…

and realising, that yes, it really is up to me

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